I moved, with my 17mo son, to Lancaster PA 2mo ago, from Brooklyn. It was easy. My mom ordered a mover; they came, we left in my mom’s car, and arrived one night to our sweet new love shack and went to bed. My mom lives across the street. We went there for coffee in our pajamas the following morning. We also went there this morning. Cause life with a toddler (single) can be chaos.
I feel in a lot of ways here like I’m getting back what I needed and missed out on in the immediate postpartum back in BK: presence of my mom ( a grandma for my son), nature & the simple life, affordable food, my brother (an uncle for my son), a fire place, a house that’s nice but that I also don’t worry I’m going to “mess up”, and Love and Healing in all the places and spaces that need it most.
I’m still in my Postpartum. I’m breastfeeding all the time, I’m processing my pregnancy and new life as a mom, I’m figuring this all out.
I’ve started to experiment with homeopathy again. That’s a sign for me that I’m traveling into inner terrain. It’s a relief to feel deeply again and to have courage to do so. Healing isn’t cake. I tried Sepia; at first it was because I had another hemmorhoid flare up and needed help more than words can explain. But what I found was it worked on my postpartum depression. Not words we easily take out of the back pocket. But I said them. I’m saying it for all of us. All of us who didn’t (don’t) feel all the time energized or supported or held or loved or heard or nurtured the way we want or need. Taking care of myself is a big job. On good days, I can do it all. On bad days, I need a nanny.
I’m going more easy on myself. How are you?
I got a few for you: You did the best you could. You didn’t intend to cause harm. You are love. You are loved. You love people unconditionally. You love yourself unconditionally. You are not the only one responsible in any situation. Be lighter, gentler on yourself, with life. With all of it, not just the happy birthy things, but also the dying and rebirthing of things.
I remembered something important the other day. I remembered my training and interest in end-of-life doula care. I’ve started to look at Hospice and other nursing programs online (I’m full time with Akiva so no “going” to school right now). I feel more hopeful these days that life will continue to remind me who I am, and what I’m meant to do (at different stages in our lives aren’t we meant to delve into different things?) and I can be less anxious about making myself into something or rushing my path, or my life. Some say Go with the Flow. I say Go Baby Go. But breathe and sing and live in between.
It’s true that life is short and I get that more as a 38yr old mother, to a baby. Lots to do. I like taking walks with Akiva hand in hand down our alley road. He’s so short compared to me, 6ft tall. Those walks remind me he’s so new and fragile and baby. I forget it a lot because his personally is so strong, he’s like a raging lion mixed with guru vibes.
I will always be this baby midwife at heart. It’s printed in my heart; it’s what I’ve done since I was 21; it’s my nature, my heart, my soul path. For those of you who have known me a while, thank you for seeing me then, all those young,
hungry for connection, moments. I love you. I’m still the same.
This TMI post is to bring myself back to you (and if you are a new friend, to intro my deep self). I’ll be posting regularly and I want you to share, comment, connect, and travel with me to the depths of what it means to be a parent, a person, a compassionate, loving person. A person with open, welcoming, loving arms, a real person. Please share what has occurred to you, share what’s hard and what’s good.
Erica is a Childbirth Doula in NYC. Her present focus is on the postpartum period.