What I wish I'd known as a beginning doula....
by Erica Shane
Find a mentor and heart-centered trainings
Starting out, I was lucky to have a doula mentor who was heart-centered, and worked compassionately and skillfully with clients the way I yearned. She brought me to prenatal sessions with her and took me on as a doula partner for the births too. This meant that clients we aware that they would be working with either one or both of us when they went into labor. In prenatal sessions, I learned about nurturing couples using my non-judgmental ear, bringing a homemade meal to share, creating compassionate and informative hand-outs for mom and partner, and using therapeutic activities in order for couples to learn about birth, tap into their inner wisdom, and relax more.
Trainings are important. I've attended many because I wanted to learn everything possible, but when it was time to believe in myself and just get started, it was birth and the women who began to show me the way. In the first three years of my practice (8 years after my first doula training), I attended many hospital births in NYC and worked with couples with all types of birth preferences. I got to know them well; I wanted to know who they were and how they were preparing for birth within themselves, not based on books or other peoples stories. I created packages that offered a list of services I wasn't seeing in other doulas websites. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be soul and heart-centered. I am a healer and an empath; I wanted to offer all my love.
So what to tell a new doula? Take the trainings that speak to your heart, that teach you what you need in order to grow your business, yet also grow your spirit. Ask for help from doulas with more experience. Find a mentor in your community or a virtual mentor. Don't worry if you don't know everything at first. Your moms will teach you. Babies will teach you. Birth will teach you. Your ideal clients will hire you because they like you and want you around. Your expertise grows with time and your rates can rise quickly with your growing new found knowledge each season.
Know you are not God
Once while a client was in early labor, I received a serious head injury while resting peacefully in Central Park. A massive tree limb came down onto the crown of my head. After the ambulance was called, and while staying as calm as possible, I had a helper call my clients to let them know what happened and that three back-ups were available for them that evening. Everyone was called before my own mother. I am committed to my clients. This is not a question. I was in bed recovering for three weeks after the hospital stay. I remember this day like yesterday. It was a gorgeous day, almost no clouds, warm with a slight breeze. I lay under a large tree for shelter from the sun, reading. We had just gotten off the phone; she had been telling me that her contractions were getting more intense even with the long break in between. I gave her hydrotherapy suggestions, relaxation techniques, and told her to check in soon. We were waiting for her to be further along for me to venture over.
I wish that in the beginning, someone had told me that being a doula is not like being God. I can't be in two places at once. I can't survive a nature disaster and attend a birth. But I can have everything set up and have a community to support me. I have always considered by back-ups my friends. I have had tea with them, met their children, taken classes with them, traveled with them, met for long cries in the playground. I call them at births and vent, ask for their opinion, celebrate when it's through, fall asleep to their kind affirmations. I share birth stories with them so I don't have to hold these gigantic emotional experiences on my own shoulders. And if I am ill, or have a sudden trip to take, there is no doubt they will take my place and serve the women with the same heart.
Building community is crucial as a solo birth worker. I consider myself a guide, a healer, and witness, a counselor. If a client experiences a trauma or even works hard to prevent trauma for herself- this journey is delicate and deep. It must be held, understood, honored, processed, and weaved through time- no matter how the birth unfolds. Without other doula sisters to lean on, I would be a walking sprinkler system weeping oceans and floods on city streets. Doula sisters are the the plug that lets that water leak away into it's right place, allowing it to re-purify, allowing for lessons and celebrations to appear. We know how hard it is to be (sometimes the only) conscientious people in the room, continuously supporting without judgment, holding ourselves strong throughout. When we are through, a doula sister will do the same for us, until we can breathe steady again.
Sometimes after a long birth, I get sick. This usually happens when I am not partnering in a birth that is very long. I like partnering because it allows for doulas to split shifts. If you've worked 15 hours and you know she is halfway through or thereabouts, you can ask your partner to come in so you can sleep the night, and re-evaluate who will follow the birth the next day. It is so difficult sleeping at the hospital for many reasons. If you are in the waiting room sleeping on a horizontal surface, it's still difficult because you are wondering if your client is okay and if you should be there by her side instead. These are the moments I wished I called someone in to help. And I have. Ideally, the client knows this doula, she is your first back-up and the one you call if the labor is long and you need space to nurture yourself, are tired, or feel you are coming down with something.
We also much remember we are not God when our clients have cesarean births. We live in a cesarean culture and even though a part of our job is working to "avoid" them by advocating with our clients and helping them to get their vaginal birth desires fulfilled, we are also working to help them accept them if they do happen. We ourselves may walk away and feel angry at the hospital system every time a woman's epidural fails her and she in turn needs or even chooses a c-section, or every time a doctor manipulates her in to having one because he is done. What I keep learning again and again is that she has hired me to protect not just her body but her power and freedom of choice, her birth story. In the end, I will remind her it is her birth and her story no matter how it unfolds. And so the doulas ultimate role is weaving that story. I promise her that whatever she chooses, I will support her. This is the beginning of her motherhood career of making choices for her family. In her birth, I am focused on her feeling that love is in every choice she makes, and perhaps even the ones she doesn't feel she is making.
Every hard moment has made me more humble, more aware that I am the friend, the angel, the one she chose to walk along side her. I hear her wishes. I take time to know who she is. I care for her and I will not fail her. I will always remind her of what she wanted. And also hear how that might change. I will always take her through each hour,reflecting her strength and power, her freedom of choice. I will also remind myself that when her preferences change or something comes up for her I wasn't expecting, I will compassionately listen and help her to continue to feel empowered.
TEA- Time, Energy, Attention, words learned from my dear teacher Whapio from the Matrona- is what I bring to every couple, to every labor, to every home, every time. TEA is what heals me too after a birth when I care deeply for myself lying in bed, or at the spa, or on a road trip. And TEA is what connects me to my clients forever. Because they remember how present I amand how I am committed to weaving the story of their journey forever.
I am enough
And one more thing I wish I knew from the start; I wish I knew that my words were enough, my massage was enough, my understanding presence was enough. I wish someone had told me in the beginning that I was enough. That I would need to remind myself this again and again. That this affirmation would save me.
Erica Shane is Childbirth Doula based in NYC. She is a Mentor for new doulas and offers a 12-week New Doula Mentor Program over Skype to help women kick start their heart-centered doula businesses. Recently, Erica has shared an exciting new product with her birth community, Spanish for Birth Caregivers. A graduate of the Matrona’s Holistic Midwife program, Erica shares a compassionate and nurturing perspective surrounding pregnancy, birth, and new parenthood. With a passion for holistic care giving and bringing birth back to the family, Erica is dedicated to each and every family she serves, understanding the distinct needs and wishes each one brings. Find her here:www.EricaShaneChildbirth.com
Starting out, I was lucky to have a doula mentor who was heart-centered, and worked compassionately and skillfully with clients the way I yearned. She brought me to prenatal sessions with her and took me on as a doula partner for the births too. This meant that clients we aware that they would be working with either one or both of us when they went into labor. In prenatal sessions, I learned about nurturing couples using my non-judgmental ear, bringing a homemade meal to share, creating compassionate and informative hand-outs for mom and partner, and using therapeutic activities in order for couples to learn about birth, tap into their inner wisdom, and relax more.
Trainings are important. I've attended many because I wanted to learn everything possible, but when it was time to believe in myself and just get started, it was birth and the women who began to show me the way. In the first three years of my practice (8 years after my first doula training), I attended many hospital births in NYC and worked with couples with all types of birth preferences. I got to know them well; I wanted to know who they were and how they were preparing for birth within themselves, not based on books or other peoples stories. I created packages that offered a list of services I wasn't seeing in other doulas websites. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be soul and heart-centered. I am a healer and an empath; I wanted to offer all my love.
So what to tell a new doula? Take the trainings that speak to your heart, that teach you what you need in order to grow your business, yet also grow your spirit. Ask for help from doulas with more experience. Find a mentor in your community or a virtual mentor. Don't worry if you don't know everything at first. Your moms will teach you. Babies will teach you. Birth will teach you. Your ideal clients will hire you because they like you and want you around. Your expertise grows with time and your rates can rise quickly with your growing new found knowledge each season.
Know you are not God
Once while a client was in early labor, I received a serious head injury while resting peacefully in Central Park. A massive tree limb came down onto the crown of my head. After the ambulance was called, and while staying as calm as possible, I had a helper call my clients to let them know what happened and that three back-ups were available for them that evening. Everyone was called before my own mother. I am committed to my clients. This is not a question. I was in bed recovering for three weeks after the hospital stay. I remember this day like yesterday. It was a gorgeous day, almost no clouds, warm with a slight breeze. I lay under a large tree for shelter from the sun, reading. We had just gotten off the phone; she had been telling me that her contractions were getting more intense even with the long break in between. I gave her hydrotherapy suggestions, relaxation techniques, and told her to check in soon. We were waiting for her to be further along for me to venture over.
I wish that in the beginning, someone had told me that being a doula is not like being God. I can't be in two places at once. I can't survive a nature disaster and attend a birth. But I can have everything set up and have a community to support me. I have always considered by back-ups my friends. I have had tea with them, met their children, taken classes with them, traveled with them, met for long cries in the playground. I call them at births and vent, ask for their opinion, celebrate when it's through, fall asleep to their kind affirmations. I share birth stories with them so I don't have to hold these gigantic emotional experiences on my own shoulders. And if I am ill, or have a sudden trip to take, there is no doubt they will take my place and serve the women with the same heart.
Building community is crucial as a solo birth worker. I consider myself a guide, a healer, and witness, a counselor. If a client experiences a trauma or even works hard to prevent trauma for herself- this journey is delicate and deep. It must be held, understood, honored, processed, and weaved through time- no matter how the birth unfolds. Without other doula sisters to lean on, I would be a walking sprinkler system weeping oceans and floods on city streets. Doula sisters are the the plug that lets that water leak away into it's right place, allowing it to re-purify, allowing for lessons and celebrations to appear. We know how hard it is to be (sometimes the only) conscientious people in the room, continuously supporting without judgment, holding ourselves strong throughout. When we are through, a doula sister will do the same for us, until we can breathe steady again.
Sometimes after a long birth, I get sick. This usually happens when I am not partnering in a birth that is very long. I like partnering because it allows for doulas to split shifts. If you've worked 15 hours and you know she is halfway through or thereabouts, you can ask your partner to come in so you can sleep the night, and re-evaluate who will follow the birth the next day. It is so difficult sleeping at the hospital for many reasons. If you are in the waiting room sleeping on a horizontal surface, it's still difficult because you are wondering if your client is okay and if you should be there by her side instead. These are the moments I wished I called someone in to help. And I have. Ideally, the client knows this doula, she is your first back-up and the one you call if the labor is long and you need space to nurture yourself, are tired, or feel you are coming down with something.
We also much remember we are not God when our clients have cesarean births. We live in a cesarean culture and even though a part of our job is working to "avoid" them by advocating with our clients and helping them to get their vaginal birth desires fulfilled, we are also working to help them accept them if they do happen. We ourselves may walk away and feel angry at the hospital system every time a woman's epidural fails her and she in turn needs or even chooses a c-section, or every time a doctor manipulates her in to having one because he is done. What I keep learning again and again is that she has hired me to protect not just her body but her power and freedom of choice, her birth story. In the end, I will remind her it is her birth and her story no matter how it unfolds. And so the doulas ultimate role is weaving that story. I promise her that whatever she chooses, I will support her. This is the beginning of her motherhood career of making choices for her family. In her birth, I am focused on her feeling that love is in every choice she makes, and perhaps even the ones she doesn't feel she is making.
Every hard moment has made me more humble, more aware that I am the friend, the angel, the one she chose to walk along side her. I hear her wishes. I take time to know who she is. I care for her and I will not fail her. I will always remind her of what she wanted. And also hear how that might change. I will always take her through each hour,reflecting her strength and power, her freedom of choice. I will also remind myself that when her preferences change or something comes up for her I wasn't expecting, I will compassionately listen and help her to continue to feel empowered.
TEA- Time, Energy, Attention, words learned from my dear teacher Whapio from the Matrona- is what I bring to every couple, to every labor, to every home, every time. TEA is what heals me too after a birth when I care deeply for myself lying in bed, or at the spa, or on a road trip. And TEA is what connects me to my clients forever. Because they remember how present I amand how I am committed to weaving the story of their journey forever.
I am enough
And one more thing I wish I knew from the start; I wish I knew that my words were enough, my massage was enough, my understanding presence was enough. I wish someone had told me in the beginning that I was enough. That I would need to remind myself this again and again. That this affirmation would save me.
Erica Shane is Childbirth Doula based in NYC. She is a Mentor for new doulas and offers a 12-week New Doula Mentor Program over Skype to help women kick start their heart-centered doula businesses. Recently, Erica has shared an exciting new product with her birth community, Spanish for Birth Caregivers. A graduate of the Matrona’s Holistic Midwife program, Erica shares a compassionate and nurturing perspective surrounding pregnancy, birth, and new parenthood. With a passion for holistic care giving and bringing birth back to the family, Erica is dedicated to each and every family she serves, understanding the distinct needs and wishes each one brings. Find her here:www.EricaShaneChildbirth.com